Don’t Quit Before the Miracle Happens

The Recovering CEO 0:15 Hello, and welcome. Welcome to the recovering CEO podcast. My name is Derek, I'm the recovering CEO, and happy to be here with you. It's just me today be talking about recovery. And it's kind of an overcast, rainy day here. And I figured, why not record a podcast? You know, last week, I had some really great interviews, I hope you enjoyed them. But today, you know, it's recorded a new one. So today is Wednesday, I am a couple of days back from vacation. So vacation is always kind of a difficult time for me going on vacation. Not sure why. But it really kind of takes me out of my routine. And we were down in Mexico with my family at an all inclusive resort. And I don't drink. And I'm also trying to watch right eat. And let's just say there was a lot of stimulus down there a lot of stuff going on. And you know, I tried to stay present and really enjoy, you know, the things right in front of me. And it was pretty fun, it was pretty relaxing. You know, I'm still not to the point where a vacation like that is totally comfortable. You know, I'm really, I don't know, the travel has always been difficult for me, I think transition going to travels difficult. Coming home from travels difficult. I feel like I always need a day vacation when I get back to work. So I need a vacation from my vacation. And we can't always do those things, you know, we got to get back to work and go out and try and make some money. So but, you know, I was just popping around on Twitter at the recovering SEO and seeing some people out there. You know, some people have some new sobriety, you know, there's always people that are newly sober, there's some people that are celebrating years, some people in the middle, some people celebrating weeks or months of sobriety. And I'm here to encourage you to stick with it, you know, I'm here to encourage you to stick with it. You know, as you know, we don't have to drink today, you know, it's something I learned is that I never have to drink again, one day at a time, you know, I don't really have to think about the future. Just don't have a drink today. You know, maybe tomorrow we'll have a drink. Right? It'll be my choice. And I always say that my best decision I ever made was to stop drinking, to stop drinking in new drugs, doing drugs, you know, there was enough problems in my life, it caused enough problems where I stopped. And I said, you know, that's enough, I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm going to quit. I'm going to kind of put a flag in the ground, pick a sobriety date, which was August 13 1996. And I'm going to stick with it. And I have to tell you, there was a few times where it was close, you know, a few times where I barely made it. Close Calls, scrapes, you could say, you know, I remember talking to my sponsor and be like, hey, you know, I made it through that. It was kind of scary. But I made it. And eventually, it got easier. You know, when I was newly sober, I kind of wrapped myself in bubble wrap. And just protecting myself tried to stay in the safest situations. I avoided difficult situations. You know, I remember, I had a pretty new job. You know, after about six months sober, I had a new job at an advertising agency. And everyone was going out to the bar to celebrate one night after, you know, some successful pitch or something that happened. And I'm like, sure, yeah, I'll be there. I'll be there. And I went, I drove by myself, right. And I went into the bar, and it was pretty crowded, you know, for five o'clock on a weeknight. And, and I walked through the bar, and I looked around and I didn't see anybody. So I kind of walked through, didn't see anyone and left. And the next day everyone's like, Where were you? You know, we're at the bar, we missed you. And I'm like, you know, I was there, I didn't see anyone. And I just left it at that, you know, I didn't choose to linger and stick around. You know, and these days, you know, now that I've 25 plus years sober from drugs and alcohol. You know, I can go to a bar and it doesn't bother me. But then, you know, at around seven months, eight months sober. I wasn't really comfortable doing that I wasn't comfortable, lingering, and just hanging out there waiting to see who I could find. I didn't want to do that. You know, and I didn't want to have to have the awkward conversation of Oh, you're not drinking. Now I'm not drinking now. You know, I used to say I was on a health kick. You know, this was right around the time I went vegetarian started working out more and I also quit drinking. Imagine that. You know It's tough sometimes to remember what it's like to be brand new sober. I can do it, though I can do it, you know. And a question that I want to ask you is, what would it feel like for you to be completely sober, like to be fully recovered? To be over it, you know, to not want to drink to not want to do drugs? What would that feel like to you? You know, and first, when I answer that question, I could say, well, you know, it feels like more of a sense of confidence, it would be more comfortable with myself, I'd be able to sit here and you know, in my own skin, and just relax and be at peace and be present. But if I'm honest, and if I think about new sobriety, you know, if I try and put myself into someone who's newly sober into their shoes, when I say what would it feel like to be completely recovered, and to be completely sober? And, you know, the thought that comes up is panic, a sense of panic, a panic that I could feel right in my chest. And why is that? Because for so long, I use my addiction to get through life. You know, life is good. Sometimes life is often bad. Life is often shitty. And I have used my addiction my whole entire life to make it through. You know, I use drugs and alcohol. Granted, I didn't start drinking and doing drugs till I was, you know, 1718. Right. So, before that, I used food. You know, I love eating, I love eating a lot. I love eating sugar. You know, somebody just posted on Twitter that they were gonna go get a DQ Blizzard today. And I love that. And I think that's better than drinking. But I also know that for me, and this is something I've dealt with for a long time. If I have a DQ Blizzard, it just triggers sugar craving, which is very similar addiction to me to drugs or alcohol. You know, I can't do it. And it's kind of a sad truth. You know, so as I've been sober over more time, I kind of realize that I can't do more and more, you know, so I need to keep replacing unhealthy activities with healthy activities. Right, so I was 24 years old and stopped drinking and doing drugs. That's great. You know, I remember when I stopped drinking and doing drugs, I slept a lot. I ate a lot of ice cream and I masturbated all the time. And you could say that sounds funny. But how else was I supposed to get through a frickin day without getting high? Right? Or without drinking. And I slept a lot. You know, when in doubt, sleep. You know, especially at night, you know, I changed I started going to bed really early, and waking up really early. Because in the morning, I could drink coffee, right? I could have a nice cup of coffee, I could chill out with the dogs. I could get started, I could exercise I could do work, you know all these more productive things. But at night, when I was alone, when I was watching TV or movie, it was just too easy, you know, too easy. And I wanted to go back to my drug of choice. Drugs, alcohol. You know, my drug of choice was really marijuana, because I didn't like hangovers. And I also never liked to drink and drive. So for around four or five years, I spent my life high all the time. You know, with on marijuana pot, you know, and I used psychedelics occasionally mushrooms LSD never did like heroin or cocaine. Thank God crack never did that. And then drinking, we're just kind of accentuate it. You know, drinking was something we could do that was legal. And, you know, maybe more accepted. Right. So I did that. Also, in addition to that. But, uh, yeah, I had to really break my routine, you know, just frickin break it. So difficult, man. So difficult. You know, and when I was newly sober, I used to kind of experiment, you know, and this was really before I committed, you know, there was a time where I was in and out for a few months, around three months after I graduated college in 1996. In May, or April, you know, I used to go to the bar with friends and I would try and go to the bar and just not drink. Right. So I'd be out at the nightclub. Listen to the music, you know, the base would be pumping strobe lights. I'd be smoking cigarettes or clothes or whatever. Drinking like red bowl or something. tonic water and just, but I was kind of getting high off the atmosphere. You know, I was just getting high off the situation. And it's not quite easy to stay sober that way. You know? If you stick around the bar enough, you're gonna get, you're gonna drink. You know, if you hang out at the barbershop long enough, you're gonna get a haircut. So I had to stop doing that I had to stay away from what places and what faces, you know, a lot of my friends, right? When I was trying to get sober, they would say, you know, Hey, aren't you going to drink tonight we're going out, you're not going to have fun if we don't drink. And, you know, they really wanted me to drink with them. Because when I didn't drink, it made them feel self conscious a little bit. And eventually, they just stopped calling. Right, because they wanted to, they were just used to getting high and drunk all the time. That's all we did, is get high and drunk all the time. And when I stopped doing that, they didn't want to hang out with me. And that was tough. You know, it's tough when you're so dependent on friends, like I was, you know, and there's a saying that, you know, we're alone in our addiction, but we recover together, right, or we get sober together. So I really had to get some sort of group, I had to find a group that I could stick with. For me, it was a meetings, you know, I went to a meetings, I call myself an alcoholic, you know, I would say, I'm Derek, I'm an alcoholic, I would say it. And I didn't even believe it, I would just say it because everyone else said it. And eventually, I believe that eventually became normal. You know, I used to go to meetings, like it was my job, I'd go in the morning, sometimes they'd go at noon, I'd go at night. And I met people I made friends, there was nice people in a people like me, you know, people like me, who are alcoholics, who are drug addicts, and who didn't want to do that anymore. And they want it to change. You know, just like I see the recovering community on Twitter, and I'm working to grow it more on LinkedIn, that's a little bit harder for me, just because it's seems little more public and professional, even though that's what the recovering SEO is about as I want to help people in the workforce to get sober, to raise awareness and reduce the stigma of addiction. But of the community on Twitter, you know, one day at a time, there's a hashtag recovery posse, great people, you know, nice people supporting each other, talking about their sobriety. And there's a saying that a problem shared is a problem cut in half. And that is very true. You know, so I go to meetings, I'd sit down, I'd listen to other people. And then I could share my experience, strength and hope. And when I was a newcomer, usually I was talking about my day and what happened, and how I made it and how I stayed sober, and how I want to commit to staying sober tomorrow, and the rest of the night. And that was it, you know, kind of a daily affirmation. You know, Hi, I'm Derek, I'm an alcoholic. Today was for shit. You know, I had a really difficult day at work. But I didn't pick up a drink. I didn't feel good. But I worked out, I came to a meeting, you know, picked up the phone and call my sponsor. And I started working. And eventually I put together time, you notice real blessing, those people saw me grow up in recovery, they saw me grow up, you know, they saw me go from one day, to one week, to 30 days, you know, 6096 months. And it's always important when you're new, to raise your hand and announce your sobriety date and get your token. And it's partially for you. But it's also partially for everyone else in the room. Because when people come in brand new, and they see someone getting a six month token or nine month token, it gives them a feeling of hope. You know, when they see someone getting a 10 year token or a 20 year token, it lets them know that people do it. You know, when I was new in recovery, I didn't know what the future held for me, all I could see was that people had taken this path before, people had gotten sober ahead of me. And I was going to follow them. You know, I was going to do the steps I was going to take direction was going to stop running and life by myself will and really turn it over. You know, and trust that higher power would take care of me and a higher power had good intentions for me. And it was very clear that I was not meant to drink. I proved it to myself that I was not the type of person who could drink or do drugs. Believe me. I tried. I tried for years. I couldn't do it. It just fucked me up too bad. You know, drinking got me in big trouble drinking caused me a blackout drinking caused me to get in fights, get arrested. do stupid stuff. I could have gotten much much worse, you know, would have killed me. It was a miracle. I made it. And then drugs, you know, marijuana. It wasn't that it was bad. It was that it was too good. So I was high all the time. I couldn't get anything else done. Because I enjoy being high so much and I just justified it. Why shouldn't I be high all the time? I want to feel good. I want to feel good all the time, over and over and over better and better. You know, and that probably would have led to harder drugs but I just couldn't do it, you know, some of my friends could do it. Some of my other friends made the choice to keep doing it, even though it was screwing up their life. You know, I like to say they made the choice to keep pumping gas or to keep just living at a lower standard of living because they wanted to get high over everything. It didn't really align with my goals. You know, I had bigger plans for myself, I wanted more for my life. I wanted to meet someone, a partner, I wanted to find someone I could really love and build a life with, I wanted to have a family. I wanted all those things. And I couldn't do that when I was drinking and doing drugs, you know. So enough is enough. So I stopped. Some people never stop, you know, only about 10% of people who have alcoholism and drug addiction get sober 10%. So I consider myself one of the lucky ones that I was able to realize it have a moment of clarity and make a choice to stop. You know, I picture, you know, picture, I fall out of a boat, and I'm canoeing down the river, and there's rapids that are taking me away, right? And the rapids take me away. And eventually I kind of grab on to a rock, right. And when I grab onto that rock, you will consider that maybe a moment of clarity. Alright, so God gives me an opportunity to get sober. And I could take it, you know, I hold on to that rock, and I say, You know what, this sucks. If I keep going down these rapids, I could die. It's kind of exciting, but it's gonna kill me. And I had the opportunity to climb out of the water right there. So it's good to take that moment of clarity and that option to do that, you know, sometimes I don't, and I didn't. And there was times where I said, You know what, I'm going to try it again. And I let go, I let go of the rock. And I start going down the rapids again, and it gets rougher and it gets deeper. And I barely make it and I get pulled down there. And I pop up and I grab under a tree branch. And I'm hanging on. And I finally gather my senses. It's like holy shit, that really almost killed me, that was terrible. I almost died, you know, in the shores there. And if I want to, if I want to put forth some effort, I can shimmy across the tree branch and get to the shore and save my life. Or I can choose to go back to my alcoholic tendencies, to my old habits, to my drugs, to the addiction that I've used my entire life to medicate, and take away the pain. It's a choice. There's a Grateful Dead song called deal. You know, it talks about gambling. But it says, you know, it costs a lot. It costs a lot to lose. You know, it takes a lot to win. I always screw up this quote, I apologize. You know, it costs a lot to win, but even more to lose, you and me might have spent some time wondering which to choose. Because eventually you come to a crossroads? Do I want to choose to win? Or do I want to choose to lose? We spent some time making that decision. Both of them cost a lot. Sobriety costs a lot, I have to give up a lot. I gave up my friends. I gave up my medication, I gave up marijuana, I gave up alcohol, I gave up things that I was holding on to so dearly and so tight. You know, maybe I give up a bad relationship. Maybe I give up a bad job. You know, sometimes I need to let go for what I have, in order to find out what's next. And what God has in store for me. I had let it go. You know, and my addiction. The addiction will tell me that no, no, you're better off using you're better off drinking, you come up with your best ideas when you're high. If you get sober, you're not going to be creative, you're going to suck, you're not going to have friends, you're going to be loser. That's my addiction tells me you know that I need that moment of clarity. And sometimes we have loved ones to try and help us. You know, I do believe that God speaks to me through others, right? And my doctor, my significant other maybe my parents, maybe my kids will say to me, you know, Hey, man, get your shit together. You know, drugs and alcohol is causing you a problem, right? Sex addictions causing your problem. If you keep gambling, you're gonna die. If you don't stop this addictive behavior, I'm going to leave you, you know, our friends, family and loved ones help us. And we have to realize that sometimes they're right. You know, so I need to let go of self will and turn it over and say, Okay, I'm going to do what it takes. I'm going to get a sponsor. I'm going to start taking direction. I'm going to work the steps. I'm going to go to meetings. I'm going to do what it takes. It's frickin hard work. It's hard work. But it could also save your life. So I hope you make it. I hope you make it, don't quit before the miracle happens. And what I mean by that you're going to be sitting in recovery, right? You're going to be a few weeks sober, maybe a few months sober, maybe even a few years sober. And life is going to be shit. someone you know is going to die, you're going to lose a job, you're going to lose a relationship, you're going to lose someone you love. Something is going to happen. You're going to lose money. Maybe you get injured, maybe you get a serious illness. And you're just going to feel really bad. And you're going to want to go back to your drug of choice, you're going to want to go back to your addiction. Don't do it. Just stay strong during those times pick up the phone, a problem shared is a problem cut in half. tell somebody about it. Share about it at meetings, and don't drink no matter what. Just don't drink. And eventually, you'll have a year two years. You know, eventually I'll 25 years they say just don't drink and don't die. How do you do it? Don't drink and don't die. Stay fucking sober, right? It's a choice. Sure, God helps me. Sure the recovery program helps me. Sure listening to podcast helps. But I also make a choice to stay sober. I encourage you to make that choice today, one day at a time. Make the choice to be sober. And keep coming back. If you could share this podcast with a friend. We'd love it if you would rate and review it, and subscribe. I would really appreciate it. Keep coming back. It gets better my friend it gets better. All right. Thank you for listening to the recovering CEO and we'll see you next time.