Listen to The Recovering CEO Podcast as we discuss all addictions including sex addiction, drug and alcohol addiction, gambling addiction, spending addiction and more. Today's episode discusses the SA Problem and how people become sex addicts.
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Derek Mehraban 0:30
Hello, and welcome to the recovering CEO podcast. My name is Derek, the recovering CEO, and this is your podcast where it comes to learning about addiction, how to overcome it, and how to survive in this crazy world. We deal with topics around sex addiction, food addiction, drug and alcohol addiction, gambling, addiction, spending addiction, you name it. We talked about it. So no shame here. The goal of this is to provide support for anyone who is trying to get sober, to help people understand that maybe they have a problem. You know, there's a lot of unknowns. When it comes to addiction. Do I have addiction? Am I really an addict? Am I an alcoholic? Am I a sex addict? That's a big question for a lot of people. Most people have no idea me personally, I had no idea. What was the last thing on my mind never occurred to me. You know, I just thought I made poor decisions. Like to have fun on the weekends. You know, it's just being a guy. All these things, you know, until I realized, wait a minute. Maybe there's something wrong here. Maybe this isn't normal. Maybe I do have an addiction. Maybe I do a problem. And that took me a while. So I created this podcast. Again. My name is Derek. I have over 25 years sober from drugs and alcohol addiction. I am working on food sobriety. I don't gamble. Because I learned not to do that when I was in college. And I still struggle with spending spending too much money. But don't we all? So I am just your basic Midwestern business guy, father, husband, sports fan. I'm the basic guy you see in the neighborhood? Who knew that guy had addictions? Right? Who knew that guy struggled? You know, they always say don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides because you never know what's going on in the inside. Right. And I certainly am not perfect. You know, I'm actually feeling pretty good these days. Because I am sober. Right, as I mentioned, sober for my sex addiction, sober from drugs and alcohol addiction. And I have been eating better, right? So I eat three meals a day with measured portions, no sugar, no processed white flour, and no snacks. And thanks to that I've lost almost 100 pounds. So that's pretty dramatic. You know, these are just positive changes. You know, I think in life, the goal is to keep understanding ourselves, you know, so I work to understand myself, I work to see where I'm having problems, what I can improve. And then I make changes to improve those, you know, so I've been able to eat healthy and be healthy. Get to a healthy weight, where I can feel better about myself. You know, there's a saying that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. Alright, and if you're overweight, you understand that. And it's it's sometimes a tough choice. You know, I love ice cream sundaes. I love Twinkies. I mean, I love things, you know, sugar. I mean, I love it. You know, bubble tea, I love bubble tea, no shakes, I mean, everything. But for me, being an addict, you know, sugar, just really it flips the switch for me. And once I have some, it's hard to stop. I'm not really good at moderating. I am the kind of guy who is better at abstinence than I am at moderating. And I learned that about myself. You know, I learned that about myself. So.
Derek Mehraban 4:09
So anyway, so you know, we keep peeling layers of the onion, we keep learning about ourselves. And then once I have knowledge about myself, then I have to do something about it. You know, it's like when I first realized that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. And I had to admit that to myself, and that was very difficult, took me a long time, long time to admit it. But once I realized it, you know, raise my hand and said, Okay, you got me. I'm an alcoholic, you know. And then once I made that choice in that decision, then what, right then what? Then I took the suggestions, right? So I started going to meetings, you know, a meetings I started reading the big book, I started you know, I got a sponsor, and I started doing all the things that people told me to do, because other people got sober before me. Right. And I want to follow with what they did. I want to walk in their footsteps, you know, I can't necessarily see what my sober life is going to be. But what I can see is that other people have longer sobriety than me. And when I came in, and I was brand new, I took suggestions. You know, I had to be open and willing to take suggestions. And I don't know if you're religious or not, but that is how higher power God as we understand it, that's how God works in our lives through other people. Okay, so when I was in my addiction, I did what I want, right? I would do whatever I want, I didn't really think about the repercussions how it would hurt people, I just did it. They say that the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot, though he usually does not think so. And that was me. I just did it. You want to do it? Let's do it. Right. But then when I get in recovery, I need to be open to maybe not so much what is my will? But what is I mean, there's different ways to say it, what is the right thing to do? What is God's will for me, a big one is what is my wife's? Well, for me, you know, my wife is my sponsor, my best friend, you know, my everything. So my wife really helps me out a lot. And so so it's good to run by all those things. And God often speaks to me through other people's, you know, there's not some burning bush that talks to me, it's usually maybe a good friend of mine, or a teacher, or a supervisor that I that I respect, you know, or like I said, my wife, someone that I trust, maybe a sponsor, in one of my addiction programs, but so basically, I started doing what I was told, and I got better, you know, and we just keep moving forward and keep getting better. And that's what life is, you know, the joy is in the journey. It's not about the destination. We'll get there when we get there, the joys and the journey and doing the next right thing, and helping others along the way. So today, we are going to talk a little bit about the problem. And the problem is a section from page 203 of SA white book, which I feel is very interesting. I'm going to read it, we're going to talk about it. And I'll tell you, you know, like I said, I've been sober for 25 years in a row. When I read this when I first read this, which was a little over 10 years ago, right? 1011 years ago, when I first read this, I was like, Oh my god. Finally, somebody explained it to me. Finally, somebody explained what I felt like as a kid, what it feels like to be an addict. What it feels like to be completely alone in a room full of people, you know, this white book, which is based on the Alcoholics Anonymous big book. So it basically took the big book, right, which was written in 1939. By Bill Wilson, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, that book is very well written, you could say it was divinely inspired. It's great. It's the foundation of all 12 Step programs. Okay. Now, the white book and essay instead of a essay didn't come around till like late 70s, maybe 79, early 80s. So this book is much newer, right? But they were able to build upon what the big book had given us a foundation. So bravo. There are some really great things in here. So I'm gonna read a little bit of the problem. And let me know if you relate to this. Okay. There it goes. PAGE 203 of the white book.
Derek Mehraban 8:54
The problem, many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others. Early on, we came to feel disconnected from parents, from peers from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be less than after we became true addicts. Sex was self promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes. We bought it. We sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue. The tea is the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. Please connect with me and make me whole. We cried with outstretched arms. lusting after the big fix. We gave away our power to others. This produce guilt, self hatred, remorse emptiness and pain. And we were driven ever inward, away from reality away from love lost inside ourselves. Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never no real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the chemistry, the connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real lust killed love. First addicts then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves, cutting ourselves time and again, that the next one would save us. We were really losing our lives. Yeah, that's pretty powerful. I don't know if you've ever heard that. But I related to it. 100%. And it explained a lot to me. And really answered a lot of questions. You know, I just, who knew, right? Who knew that I was not too new. All these things. Alright, let's just dive into this a little bit. Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone and afraid. Yes. Our insides never match we saw on the outsides of others. Okay. So growing up, I saw people look like they had everything, they had everything going well, their life was good, you know, they were good looking, you know, the handsome guys are the really good looking girls growing up, you know, they were popular, they got good grades, all these things, you know. And my insides never matched what I saw on the outside. So, I was always comparing myself is a false comparison. Because I don't really know what's going on in their lives. I know, some of them did not have good lives. But, um, but I compare that so early on, you know, and partially for a variety of reasons. Like I said, I was adopted, you know, I have wonderful parents who raised me, but I always did feel different than them. You know, I was this big redheaded kid, you know, my parents just looked very different than me. Very different. You know, so early on, we came to feel disconnected from parents, from peers from ourselves. I just felt disconnected. I couldn't quite I didn't know why. You know, so I started to tune out with fantasy and masturbation. You know, so it's too difficult to connect with others, I felt disconnected. So what can I do myself, that's gonna entertain me. You know, we plugged in by drinking the drinking and the pictures, the images and pursuing the objects of our fantasies, we lusted and wanted to be lusted after, again. I know it even with lust means, you know, and I didn't even this one's a little bit tough for me, but I understand it now. You know, the pictures, the images, the little flashes, you know, catching a glimpse down the blouse of a woman's shirt, you know, seeing up a girl's skirt at our Catholic school, you know, all these things. And they were getting me high. And I just started to go down that rabbit hole of kind of chasing this phantom feeling of wow, that was exciting. I want to see that again. You know, just the curiosity. And then it says we became true addicts. Sex was self masturbating all the time as a teenager.
Derek Mehraban 13:21
So promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy some of that I don't know much about and it says we got it through the eyes. We bought it. We sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. This I do understand we were addicted to the intrigue, the tease the forbidden, right, if it was wrong, that was even more exciting. Like somebody talked about, you know, so I have voyeuristic tendencies, right? And we're, you know, try and look in Windows as little kids, you know, and see, can I see someone changing? And that was very, very exciting. You know, voyeurism is very exciting, but part of the excitement is the feeling of maybe getting caught. Right? The feeling that it's dangerous, totally forbidden, something I shouldn't be seeing. And really, you know, just wrong. You know, it was wrong. But the only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. And then this is a big one. Okay, and I can relate to this one. Please connect with me and make me whole we cried without stretch terms. please connect with me and make me whole because I never felt whole or complete. Right? So I tried to fill that hole. I tried to connect with someone else. To make me feel complete. You know, I don't know if you've ever listened to a song called the origin of love from Hedwig and the Angry Inch. You know it talks about how you know love started when people like the gods kind of split people in half and then the scattered them across the worlds right? So people were actually paired up with their partner from the beginning and they were Happy. But then God, you know, Zeus actually with his lightning bolts, cut them in half, and then created a big storm and scattered them around the world. And then they spent their whole lives searching for their partner again, and then trying to put themselves back together. Right, which they called making love. And it's a beautiful song sad, sad song. Sad, but you know, I wanted somebody to complete me. And then it says lusting after the big fix, okay, we gave away our power to others. And this one was so important, you know, because I can, I can walk into a room, okay, we talk about sex addiction in business, I can walk into a room, there could be 10, people there will say a conference room at a big business meeting. And I could be feeling good, I have my presentation ready, I'm confident, you know, I'm going to make the sales pitch, I'm going to, you know, do my part, and carry my part of the meeting and present my stuff. But then, if I look over to the side, and there's a beautiful woman, maybe a coworker, maybe a client, and she's wearing a dress that I feel is provocative, you know, where I can see her breasts a little bit, or she's crossing her legs or, or whatever. And if I don't keep focused on myself, if I allow myself to go into fantasy, and to look at that woman, I give away all my power, it's just gone. Right? All the confidence, the, the ability that I came in there with is just washed away. And now I'm like a scared little boy, again, you know, waiting to get caught looking at this woman. And same thing, and I could have relationships with people have a good relationship. Even with a woman, you know, we can have a nice relationship. But then the minute I start to get sexual or cross boundaries, I lose all my power. You know, and it's, it's not about keeping power, but what it is about is it's about owning your own power, right? So if I want to have a good relationship with my co workers, with my boss, this has happened with my boss, it happens with women that work for me, you know, and I just can't do that, you know, I can't cross those boundaries. It does not make sense to give away my power to others. Okay, and then it says this produced guilt, self hatred, remorse, emptiness and pain. And we were driven ever inward, away from reality away from love lost inside ourselves. Alright, so I felt self hatred, remorse, emptiness, guilt. And I went inside, you know, I drove inward. This, this is when people isolate, you know, we isolate as addicts and people in addiction, the goal of the addiction is to isolate us and kill us. So what the addiction tries to do, whether it's drugs, or alcohol, or sex or anything, is to separate us from people. So that we're alone. Because when we're alone, when I'm driven inward, when I feel shame and remorse I get lost inside myself. And um, you know, the addiction has a better chance of killing me, I think that's the end goal of any addiction is to kill us. And that sounds kind of morbid, but it's true.
Derek Mehraban 18:23
The only way to fight that is to have connection with people. You know, we used drugs and alcohol, we used our addictions. And when we're alone, right, that's more alone. But together we recover. Okay, so together. So as part of this podcast community, listen to recovering CEO. You're not alone. All right, I have the same disease that you may have, right? There's a lot of people that have this same thing. There are meetings out there. You know, there's lots of sex addiction related programs that are out there that you can join. There is hope, you know, there is hope. And then it said our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never no real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the chemistry, the connection that had the magic, because it bypassed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real lust killed love. Okay, so even though, right, even though I met the woman of my dreams, right? My best friend, my lifetime partner, who I married, we've been married for 20 some years. Even though I met that person. My addiction my habit made true intimacy impossible. Right. So it's one thing to say, I love you. You're my wife. You're my best friend. You're my favorite person in the whole world. But have I been able to achieve true intimacy? That's a concept that's foreign to me. Why? Because I'm such an addict. And because my behavior just made it impossible always, which is so sad, you know, so even though I had the woman of my dreams I chased the chemistry, the connection, I had the magic, right? Because it bypassed intimacy and tree. So I would chase other women, right? New women, new women that would send me pictures that it's free, that's forbidden, you know, I'm not supposed to get pictures or see pictures of them naked, I'm not supposed to see this woman without her clothes. I'm not supposed to have these types of conversations. I chased it. Because that just triggered the addiction. You know, it's like, I can't handle the stress, and the difficulty of connecting and true intimacy with my wife, who I love more than anything. I can't handle it, it takes work, right? So because that takes work, and my wife's busy with the kids, and she has her own job, and we're busy. And I'm just going to chase this fantasy stuff. And, and that's why it says lust killed love. And that's sad, sad, sad, sad. And this happens in many relationships, many marriages, my my addiction, my lust, the thing that I thought was not that big of a deal that nobody knew about, you know, that my pornography, watching or that my texting with some, you know, girlfriends or my conversations across boundaries, you know, all these things. I found I'm not hurting anyone. Nobody knows that I'm doing that. But it was killing the love between my wife and I, which is just awful, awful, awful, awful. And, and until I realized that I had a problem, and I had to stop, you know. And now I'm in the rebuilding stage. Let's just finish this up. It says first addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Alright, so I took from other people I stole from them, I took still images, I stole their, you know, everything, counting ourselves time and again, that the next one would save us we were really losing our lives. Yeah, this is very serious. Sex addiction is very serious. You know, we lose everything will lose everything. A lot of people I know, have lost everything. You know, some have been thrown in jail. Many have lost their jobs. Right? Many have been just embarrassed. Many have gotten divorced, where they don't talk to their wife or kids anymore. And it just this disease has destroyed families, it's destroyed lives. People die from it. You know, people die that people commit murder or this kind of stuff, you know,
Derek Mehraban 22:58
cheating, with a married woman can get you shot and killed. It's no joke. That happens all the time, all the time. And it's just no joke. You know, so this addiction takes people in a variety of places, places they never wanted to go, you know, you think it might be innocent to look at pornography. Until all of a sudden you stumble across some site where next thing you know, by accident, you've downloaded child pornography. Right? And then, you know, by accident, somebody finds out about it. And next thing you know, you know, the feds are taking your computer and you're going away to prison. That happens. You know, I mean that a lot of people are sharing photos and information with people online that they meet. They don't know who that those people are. It's dangerous. It's dangerous. So you know, the only way to stop is my own enlightened self interest had to tell me, Derek, don't do this. You're better than this. This is not the life you want for yourself. Need to get sober. You need to stop this behavior. Stop looking at pornography. Stop fantasizing about other women. Right? Stop going to strip clubs. Stop going to massage parlors. Don't be alone in a room with another woman. Don't do it. You know? Don't do it, stop it, and then get help. Stop it and then get help. And it's not too late. You know, I am working to repair my relationship with my wife. I certainly could have gone a lot farther in my addiction. You know, they say when do you how do you know when you hit bottom is when you stop digging, right? I didn't want to go any farther. You know, I have two daughters who I love. I have my wife. I love my family. I don't want to be a loser, right? I don't want to be a suck on society, I want to be a benefit to society. So I'm doing this podcast to try and give back to try and help others. Because there's a lot of people suffering like me. And you may want to, you may be struggling right now. Right? You may want to act out right now. Whenever I feel like acting out, I'm going to record a podcast. Whenever you feel like acting out, you listen to one of my podcasts. Alright, that's a trade. We're going to do that. All right, this is a recovering CEO. Sex addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction podcast. You listen you keep coming back. I'm going to put up another episode tomorrow. But I hope that the problem as described in the program sexaholics Anonymous was valuable information for you. And I hope it helps you understand your addiction and what you are going to do to change for the future. All right, have a great day. stay sober and God bless.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
